The Apprentice Final – The search is over.
The bloody final. On a Sunday night - the cheeky buggers.
Well, 11 weeks wasn’t enough to tell us who Sugar daddy wanted so they had a final fling, a chance for both Stella to remind us she came from a council estate and Chris that he top scored in the entire country for AS Politics Paper 2.
Sugar told them they had to come up with an entire marketing campaign for a new alcoholic drink. Cue some helpers!
Lining up like we were all back in school waiting to play football, Joanna and Jamie were selected first, but poor old Paloma suffered the shame of being picked last – the girl is the equivalent of the fat kid with asthma and a snotty nose who usually needed to bring the football to be involved in the game.
Stella had Joanna, Chris Farrall, Melissa and Paloma whilst Chris went for Jamie, Liz, Alex and Dr Shibby.
Time to be creative
Alex showed his creative spark immediately, revealing he’d seemingly been working on a fruit and veg stall since being made redundant by his marketing company. As such, he knew that it’s all about the pomegranates. What a bloody legend.
Just after Joanna had sensationally slammed the colour blue as taking the same sexual interest as Graham Norton, Stella went off to do some market research with a bunch of middle class blokes at a nearby office. They said they thought bourbon was a males drink so Stella in her wisdom decided to ask them, a bunch of blokes, how to make it more feminine. Why not ask Al Qaeda if they’ve any advice for Airport security Stella?
Chris meanwhile, with Alex ‘creative’ Epstein was working on themes and rather liked the idea of ‘three’. If Alex had been able to count up to three in Italian they’d have probably called it ‘tre’.
With time running out on their design needs, Stella decided that Urbon – a name so cunning (given the link to Bourbon – get it?) that Paloma had to pretend she understood, as she desperately wrote the names out on her piece of paper wondering what all the fuss was about. The girls then decided to make something in the shame of an olive oil bottle and put something that tasted marginally better inside.
Liz and Dr Shibsta were given the role of overseeing the development of Chris’s drink – being told to make sure it was as clear as the London Heathrow runway at the sight of snow. Shibsta however, said blokes don’t mind pink drinks and they promptly made a repulsive looking drink, which Joanna presumably would have slammed as being in the same bracket as Stephen Fry.
Meeting the advertising police
Both Chris and Stella had to go and meet some party poopers to tell them of the limits with their alcohol adverts. Chris spent 4 hours asking if it was appropriate for him to have a bloke turn into a lethario character plying women with drink in order to wink at them.
Having had that suggestion rejected, Chris reportedly then asked if he could do an advert showing an unattractive man drinking some of his ‘Primo’, becoming immediately better looking before experiencing permanent growth around his genital region. Sadly this was also rejected.
In the end Chris went for an advert featuring an incredibly incompetent barman, and three people walking into a bar like they were on some sort of charity catwalk. Unsurprisingly Sugar daddy would later tell him it was rather crap. Stella meanwhile on her advert bossed everyone around suitably well and got a bloke to ask for an Urbon at the bar as if he was rather constipated.
The final day of the task was spent coming up with pitches for the grand promotional evening. Chris ‘the bomber’ Bates relied on Jamie to make sure he wasn’t talking in a monotone – a task tougher than currently being Vince Cable’s PR man. Stella was however coping well despite having Melissa bellowing all sorts of rubbish at her, forgetting presumably why she’d left the process so early.
The evening of the task
Chris went first and sailed through his pitch, declaring an imminent national shortage of pomegranates and that there are magnetic forces keeping children away from the alcohol section in Tesco. During the Q&A Chris was asked by some American lady if a brand could be ‘all things to all people’. Come on lady, think before you speak – think Apple, Nike or better still, Baggs.
Stella was up second and was told her bottle was both male and feminine, which essentially means that Stella had created something transsexual. Good girl for bigging up the minorities after what Joanna had said earlier about the colour blue.
Dr Shibby told everyone the first taste of a drink is through the eye. Any bloody perspective medical students who claim that kind of insight isn’t worth £9,000 a year at University needs a good slap.
Alex chirped up to say they were both so bloody good that Sugary should hire them both, but unfortunately nobody, not even the Baggs meister (since being ousted last week as being as reliable as an iPhone signal) can tell Sugar what to do.
The conversation went back and forth before finally Lord Sugar stunned everyone by suggesting “one of you is going to be very disappointed.”
And so to the big moment. 8 seconds of TV silence that makes Lord Sugar look like he’s on speed compared to the time Dermot takes over such moments on that X-factor lark on ITV.
Stella – you’re hired. Cue tears and more references of hard upbringings.
* If you haven’t yet seen the episode catch it on BBC iPlayer here:
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** Catch my EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with Alex Epstein here