The Apprentice week nine – Troubles with the truffles
Week nine of our beloved BBC Wednesday night entertainment started off with an angry shouting Stella having to run down two flights of stairs in a towel to answer the phone. Young Stuart then tentatively asked Jamie if Stella was in a bad mood, as if to imply she was some sort of drunk, who when angry likes to reach for the belt and thus needed to be avoided at all costs.
Indeed, quite why there is ever any panic or rushing to answer the phone, is of course one of those absurdities of the show that we’ve now accepted, just like we accept that they have to talk into their phones like they’re demented and the only button that works is speaker. Actually, on that note what can’t they just tap the phones and let them look normal – if they’re struggling with how to do it, they can always give Andy Coulson a call, mind you if you are going to do that, it’s probably best to ring him from a landline – harder to tap apparently.
Anyway, the task this week was about buying 10 things that some researcher had probably not spent enough time researching. Tartan fabric, chicken legs and an Indian necklace were all on the list.
His royal highness Lord Sugar, (who apparently has an autobiography out – he mentioned it once on twitter I think) told them not to be late or he’d give them a detention. Stuart, as the sort of bloke who would undoubtedly be bullied in a detention setting, seemed particularly concerned.
The ladies tactic was to sit and plan where to get the items from whilst the boys quickly set off running around London in the hope of stumbling into the right shop.
Stuart and Chris spent the first half hour of the show looking for the wrong product, before Chris invented a bizarre story about an imaginary brother who needed the London cabbie books because he’d accidentally taken the books to Nottingham. The story was about as believable as the lovechild of Jeffrey Archer and Charles Ingram, but he did get a small discount.
Stella meanwhile sat on a chair wherever possible and felt particularly pleased with herself for negotiating a £1 discount from a bloke who was ripping them off over a bit of tartan skirt. She also had the bright idea of ringing up Harrods at one point, asking if they’d give her a bargain, which is likely to yield a similar response as offering Prince Charles the opportunity to come along to watch some unlicensed boxing at a social club in Grimsby.
Stella’s partner for the day was Laura, who looked like she could cry at any moment and refused to make any decisions, apart from that she wouldn’t make any decisions.
Jamie was bargaining hard but stopped being of any use when he embarked upon finding the kitchen work surface, which in the boardroom he’d later call the ‘bane of his life’ – the poor bloke. He claimed he’d called the whole of North West London searching – but that’s a lie, I’ve checked with the family, none of us got a call.
As time was running out, Liz told a Mohammed Al Fayed impersonator that he made her “weak at the knees” which interestingly was exactly what Stuart was, in fear of his impending detention – so much so, that when he got back just in time to Sugar HQ he leapt onto the couch to celebrate the humiliation he had surely narrowly avoided.
In the boardroom we found out the boys managed to win despite Jamie being so traumatised about the failure to find a kitchen work top that he spent the rest of the day in therapy.
It actually turned out that Stella and Laura had got over excited at the site of an attractive French bloke selling them £100 worth of truffles for £200. To wind up the girlies Lord Sugar then sent the boys off to Paris to prance about like idiots.
In the end, Lord Sugar decided that it simply wasn’t good enough that Laura was still only 22 despite being in the show for a full ten weeks already, so she went into the black cab and bitched about Stella.
Next week they’re pretending to be tour operators, unfortunately not 18-30 Ibiza trips, but London bus rides, can’t have everything can you?
* If you’re in the UK you can watch the full episode from the BBC iPlayer here.
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